Close but no cigar… or almost good enough

I touched briefly on this in my earlier post today but didn’t want to take away from how wonderful my baby sis is. So I thought I would address it here.

I’ve been struggling with feelings of inferiority again lately. This has been very hard for me because I am trying very hard with not feeling negative anymore. Inferiority though, has been a big button pusher with me my entire life. I’m always good.. but not good enough. Despite all the good things going on in my life, this is what specifically brought this around again.

In October, an incident occurred in which I was made to feel more stupid than I have in a while simply because I do not have my Master’s degree. I have never wanted to go for a Master’s degree. Ever. (mostly because I thought I’d be married by now) No one has seemed to have a problem with that, considering it’s my life, but it is funny how quickly people are ok with putting up that “I’m smarter than you barrier” and it has been very hard to work pass that. Especially when it never changes and no effort to apologize has been made. Funnily enough it was my basic know how and common sense that got one thing done correctly. I have been reduced to Jeeves with a Bachelor’s degree. It hurts and I have wanted to say that for a long time.

The other, more recent and more pressing issue, is that of my second job. Myself and a lot of the other part time employees have been reduced to one day a week of work if we’re lucky. I understand that with us being not so busy we don’t need that many people to work. What makes me mad is how they handled it (see previous post) and that they instead hired 2 new guys instead of giving the people they already have more hours. I have the availability to work 4 days a week yet I am only scheduled to work one. You tell me I’m not “core” to your store than hire 2 new guys? One of them that knows absolutely nothing about kids books and the other takes 10 minutes to find Harry Potter? The easiest book to find in kids (he thought it was in Young Adult)! Yet I am not supposed to feel hurt by this?

I applied at another bookstore hoping to get an interview and more hours due to my bookselling experience. I found out I was good enough to play their game so they could only turn around and hire internally. I just.. why.

Now for the upside:

Even though I know certain things to do with point number 1 fall on my shoulders (like not saying “you’re hurting my feelings”) I’ve given up trying to reach out, make amends, and feel terrible about way things have fallen. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry. I feel like I will say it until I am blue in the face and still not feel better about that. I am officially moving forward though.

Point 2, I know that the people I love there know I am valuable and I am going to chose to find solace in that instead of being bummed by the other things. Still hurts, but I am tired of it dragging me down. (Plus I FINALLY got out of Cookbooks yesterday *fist pump*).

All in all, I am tired of being not smart enough, not accommodating enough, not rich enough, not “core” enough, whatever. I’m done. This needs to end here and now.

I have friends that I know I  can count on even if I don’t see them everyday. To those of you- I cannot thank you enough for the gift of your friendship. I love you so so much. For reals. Thank you for putting up with me.

I have a family that is grateful to have me and I love spending time with. What more can a girl ask for?

So now that I have got that off my chest I will officially move on.

Thanks, as always, for listening.

Lots of Love

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6 thoughts on “Close but no cigar… or almost good enough

  1. I respect and look up to you for all the changes you’re trying/succeeding to make in your life and outlook. This is where it starts — by realizing who and what you need in your life, you can simplify things. I keep trying to tell myself that, too. And you don’t have to say you’re sorry til you’re blue in the face — the people who matter won’t make you say that anyway.

    tl;dr I LOVE YOU YOU’RE AMAZING LET’S GET SMOOTHIES MMMKAYYYY????

  2. Thank you so so much! It means a lot to me that you and others are at least recognizing the fact that I am trying. I think little successes should still count for something.
    You’re right. I shouldn’t keep apologizing and if I really mattered, things would have changed by now. But-
    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! YOU’RE EVEN MORE AMAZING AND I WANNA GET SMOOTHIES ASAP! (and watch Red Green. Cause no one likes it as much as me in my Fam)

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