Well, I have to say that part of me feels like my world is crumbling around me. I am choosing to let it fall (if necessary) but to not become a causality of it. I am crossing my fingers that I can survive this too.

One thing I discovered this pass month was just how much my needing to take care of people rules my decisions. I have got a shocking look at what happens when I feel useless. I have realized that when I was hurt by one I let it affect me more than I should of. I jump on the ” I will throw my money/my time” at the problem bandwagon and hoped that it would fix the problem. It didn’t. In fact I think it made it worse. Then I moved out. Which was/is amazing. With that, came less money. In my mind I knew that I could now not fix the problem and started to fade into the background. I had no money and not a lot of time (with adding a 2nd job) to offer so in my mind I thought I  would be an unwelcome person in her life now. I pushed away with both hands. That and I know from experience that long distance friendships do not work with half hearted people. I wanted to save myself the pain of the possibility I would not be worth any more time in their life.  I guess I was just realizing that money doesn’t buy friends….

You would have thought that I learned this by now though. I guess what I realized is that I need to hold the people I have close to me and not worry about the ones willing to drop you for someone better. Who will hold one thing against you instead of asking for an explanation.

This I guess is my way of attempting to put closure on the topic and try and put a band-aid on the wound created and say “thanks for the memories even though they weren’t so great” (…but they kinda were)


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