I needed to write this down to get it out “on paper” so I can move on with my day and not start bawling my eyes out.
I was trying to avoid moaning on my blog anymore but I just need to. Right now this is the only outlet I have for how I feel so consider this an apology.
I wish I would have written this yesterday as it would have been in a more positive light but sometimes “sleeping on it” is not the best strategy.
So, here is the thing. I am tired of being a negative person. So tired that at work (both of them) I go out of my way to be overly happy. So much so that people worry if I so much as sigh. Then there are days like yesterday and today that just break you.
Something I often, too often, struggle with is not having my own identity. What I mean is, I am always identified/recognized/remembered as one of my many labels. More often then not its “OMG! Are you related to K___ S____(sibs name)?!” and on days like today I want to say, ” Yes, I am her shorter and chunkier big sister.” instead of ” Haha! I am. Isn’t she just the best?!” It’s the same mantra over and over whether its a sibling, my mom, etc.
Yes, I know it is my fault mostly. I LIKED hiding behind those labels because they kept me safe. I didn’t have to put myself out for the world to see/judge. I never felt I had much to offer anyone. It has been very recently that I feel like I have been making my own name. I have friends, people know me first, and it’s been awesome. At the same time, it’s pointed out to me just how mediocre I made myself.
As part of my responsibility at job number 1 we are required to volunteer for them from time to time. Yesterday I was taking my shift and I saw my old boss. She is amazing and I love talking to her. As she was explaining to her sister(they were having lunch together) about the whole story about me working there and now my sister working there (etc etc etc) she started talking about how one of the advisors there always “steals” her student workers to become peer coaches. (she has currently “stole” my sister) I interrupted and said “Well, not me…” there was a bit of awkward silence and then she waved my comment away and said “No not you” and kept on explaining. As Kimbop pointed out to me, I shouldn’t have said anything. I know I shouldn’t have. At the same time, my God is it hard not to. I was never even considered for that job while all the girls I TRAINED were personally asked to consider applying. What was so wrong with me?!
On top of that, I found out today that yet again, that after “careful consideration” (almost 3 months after I applied) the library has yet again decided to choose another candidate. I have applied often for every position I was eligible for since I was 16. That is 11 years worth of applications. Want to know how many call backs I’ve gotten? 3. Only 2 of which people actually had the balls to tell me I wasn’t KCPL material. What more could you POSSIBLY want?! Please tell me because I have nothing left to tell you about me and nothing left to give. I am beyond done applying to work there. No. More.
All of this has led to the conclusion that I am stellar at mediocre things. I am amazing at talking to people and handling small menial tasks, like data entry (even that I do too slow apparently) but I am just not good enough to move from one step above a bottom feeder to two steps above. It hurts and it sucks but there we go.
Most of this is stemming from the fact that I am quite tired and worn out and I miss my friends and I miss being able to spend a whole day with my family. I am tired of listening to people talk about the people I love and miss most in the world and knowing I don’t have time to spend with them because I have to be a grown up. How do grown ups do it? Constantly working til you are so tired you can’t enjoy days off and STILL not have enough time/money.
I don’t know. I just needed to write it all out.