Fear and Fan Girl

One of the things I love about my second job is the people I work with. For the most part, no one acts superior or kicks me down for not having the “right” degree and I love working with people where we all have a common passion-books. That being said, when one of my co-workers who is a fellow Young Adult books nerd like me recommended Fan Girl I thought why not?

Overall, the book was fantastic. I love Rainbow Rowell’s works that I have read so far but I really enjoyed this one. Mostly because, Cath “gets it”.

Her mother left them when she was 8 years old because she “just couldn’t be a mom”. I was stunned. Someone was honestly writing about this. From the point of view of the now grown child with the confused 8 year old still living in her chest. The kind of damage and extreme fear that can put on a person and the lack of intimate connections and wanting to hold on to the people in your life with both fists because you  know how easily people can float away.

For me, it was my dad that just wasn’t up to the task of parenting. He hung around for way too long and did a lot of damage before leaving. I recently found out that he had made a list (literally or figuratively- don’t care) and has scratched myself, my older sister Aim, Kimbop, the brother, and Gracie off of it. He has somewhat officially wrote us off. I don’t know why this still has the ability to hurt me as I have written him off ages ago but there was a line is Fan Girl that really struck me. Cath yells ” She is my mom! She was not supposed to stop trying!”  or something similar to that. As a parent, you should WANT your kids. As a child, it hurts to know that your parent, who is supposed to love you unconditionally, loves something else more. How do you get over/move on from that?

Reading this book has brought forth a lot of clarity for me. Especially the relationship between Cath and a boy(I won’t say who cause.. spoilers). She is very blind to all of his advances, and reading the book I was too, and was very closed off for fear that if she showed too much affection he would disappear. I SO get this. I spend so much time acting borderline aloof because I am so scared if people knew how much I loved them they’d leave. I am so scared to give any major part of my life to someone because I am worried that they will take what little I have left and I won’t be able to fix myself this time.

I think this is one major reason why I am still single at 27. I am so broken that I am afraid to heal. I’m still the shattered 14 year old whose dad called her fat, pushed her into walls and  had to co-parent 4 kids, standing on a pile of glass not knowing where to start gluing myself back together.

It’s something I am slowly but surely working on by trying to put myself out there. I try to carry on conversations with people and not worry about being judged. I try not to get jealous when I feel like I don’t measure up completely with other friends in my friends’ lives.

I know this was completely random and probably nothing Rainbow Rowell ever expected people to get from her books but I feel like it was something I needed to say for a long time.

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